We Stole These Albums

Behold! From the scorched, caffeine-fueled wastelands of… well, your nearest moderately-sized town, emerges “We Stole These Albums” Not a tribute, not a mere cover band, but a full-blown, existential crisis set to the chaotic rhythms of System of a Down.
Founded on a dare after a particularly potent late-night pepperoni and green peppers, mushrooms, olive, chives five star pizza consumption, “We Stole These Albums”  is comprised of individuals who have collectively forgotten more about obscure SOAD B-sides than you’ve ever known about anything. Our lead vocalist, “Serj-Adjacent” Jade, believes she’s actually a sentient kazoo possessed by the spirit of a disgruntled badger. She possesses a vocal range that defies both physics and human comprehension. She can effortlessly transition from guttural growls that could shatter glass to soaring falsetto that will make your soul weep with joy (or sheer terror).
On guitar, we have “Daron-Maybe” Carlos, whose riffs are so angular, they could slice through a Gregorian chant. He claims to have learned to play by listening to the sound of a dial-up modem connecting to the internet while being chased by a swarm of angry bees.
“Shavo-esque” Brian, our bassist, delivers the low end with the thunderous intensity of a herd of caffeinated rhinoceroses stampeding through a china shop. He’s rumored to communicate exclusively in basslines and interpretive dance.
And finally, pounding the skins with the rhythmic precision of an octopus juggling bowling balls, is “John-Sorta” BP. He claims his drum kit is made of sentient kitchen appliances that whisper cryptic prophecies during soundcheck.
“We Stole These Albums”  doesn’t just play System of a Down; we inhabit them. We don’t just “Toxicity,” we weaponize it. We don’t just “Prison Song” we deconstruct it and serve it with a side of madness
Prepare for an evening of sonic intensity, questionable fashion choices, and the nagging suspicion that you’ve accidentally stumbled into a parallel dimension where spoon-bending is an Olympic sport. We promise you’ll leave either profoundly changed or needing a strong antacid. Or both.

“We Stole These Albums” : We’re not just a band, we’re a cry for help…

Disclaimer: We may or may not have sacrificed a goat to Google Gemini AI to help write us this bio. We are dumb and lack wit.