"Fart in my face while I lick your taint, " she said.

It was 2005 and I was in Star Jones' trailer after my appearance on the View to debut my new #1 German single, "Bist du Getrunk liebe Madchen?" We had just wrapped up the season finale afterparty and Star, although still morbidly obese in her pre-gastric bypass splendor, had her ankles clear over her ears and pieces of a hot pocket lodged under her chin. We were pretty well oiled up (from all of the onion rings) and I lost track of where my dong was going - sometimes in the coochie, sometimes in the butt, but mostly in whatever fat roll was nearest.

I decided I had a bone to pick with the women on the View and, during the above-mentioned rim job, let loose a stream of butt soup that Star Jones would never recover from. She quit the show the next day and I had exacted my revenge.

See, earlier that day Elisabeth Hasselbeck told me I was a "foul, crude and disgusting man" after I blew my shaved pubes all over the crew's ice cream cake. Pretty fuckin funny, right? Not to Barbara Walters, who said she would release the monogrammed anal beads I left under her pillow last year to the paparazzi if I didn't leave immediately. That would be disastrous for my career. Fortunately, Whoopi didn't seem to mind...she was all wrapped up in a snatch pretzel with some other lezbo.

Star, if you are reading this...I apologize for defecating on your face.

All the best,

The Hoff

disastrous for his career...

This side of Hoff always gives me a good giggle.