Var (CEO, Chairman of the Board & Grand Wizard of No Idea Records, a Division of AOL/Time Warner Entertainment) contacted me yesterday to ask a favor. He said his marketing team's focus group studies indicated he could triple Fest revenues and move thousands of extra units if the city of Gainesville could provide more "non-Fest" family-oriented opportunities for spouses and children to enjoy - just like Vegas. Thus, here are my recommendations for things to do while visiting Gayness-ville:

1) Send two dozen donuts to the team at No Idea Records with a note that says "thanks for putting out all of the great records. You're the best!"

2) Two days later (after the above-referenced donuts have been consumed), send Polaroids of said donuts wrapped around your cock with a note that says "I still haven't received my Chuck Ragan singles MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!"

3) Re-arrange all of the marquee signs in town from "Go Gators!" to "Gay Goaters!"

4) Pull your pants down and drop a large grumpty dumpty in the pot at Krishna lunch in the Plaza of the Americas. Believe me, no one will taste the difference.

5) Go to the food stamp office on NW 16th Avenue and super glue your pocket change to the waiting room floor.

6) Go to the Arby's on 13th Street (south of campus). This is Gainesville's version of Old Faithful. At 4:00 p.m. each day, the "10-gallon hat/penis" sign ejaculates horsey sauce all over unsuspecting pedestrians (especially the Asian students who are new to town and haven't figured it out yet).

7) Staple images of your genitals to the light poles along University Avenue for passersby to enjoy and critique.

8- Scream Cantonese obscenities and belch into the intercom system at the Oaks Mall.

9) Picket and protest Cafe Risque until they finally agree to host live sex acts featuring some combination of barnyard animals and TV-20's Paige Beck.

10) Vomit and/or urinate on anyone featuring Greek letters on their shirt.

Oh how I look forward to it. There aren't really any real frat boys in Canada.

I can't imagine what the frat awareness/reaction to Fest would be, beyond, "What? Oh, those faggots are doing that stupid shit again."

But yes, this is what this board needs, suggestions from the fetile mind of the 'Hoff.

probably the same as mine: "oh great more smelly shitheads in skinny jeans, and tight black tshirts"

perhaps go listen to 'what's up ding dong?' by Billy Reese Peters.

I would, but I can't 'cause I'm at work, and by the time I'm outta here in three hours I'll have forgotten.

Let me count the ways I love you Hoff!

Hoff.
I have secured the services of a transgendered midget that was protesting the possible referendum on the transgendered ordinance here in Gainesville.
h/she also showed me some moves that are sure to please a disreputable connoisseur of fine erotica such as yourself. Coupled with a goat I came across and my grandma, I think we have the first Fest themed porno in the making. it should be huge in Germany.

Fairly funny: While cruising around Gainesville, an old and reliable Fest friend of mine passed an anorexic sorority girl pedestrian. To ensure the delightful bimbo had a great day, the friend threw some Mickey D's fries at her with a pleasant "eat a french fry, motherfucker!"

God, telling that story just makes me radiant with happiness. I'm sure the girl had a great rest of her day.

!!

total MILF

LOL

You are a sick man. I always wondered why she has more nights off then she actually worked. You can be her "Pal for Life" and save her a trip to the doctor with an in home mammogram screening .

Hey 'Hoff - what do you pack in your bag when going on these adventures? Lube? Plastic wrap? Nixon mask?

1 and 2

Yes. Yes. Oh Fest, yes.

No need for lube - the grannies at the nursing home are usually already covered in drool when I get there....which is awesome!

As far as attire...

Your banana hammock is tearing a hole in the space-time continuum.