So this morning I was getting ready to film AGT when Sharon Osbourne called in and said she had a case of goat syphillus and would not be coming in today for filming. She said her twat was dripping gorilla glue and it made a queefing "BLURP BLOP" sound every time she sat in a chair, so we would need to reschedule. Not to worry though, apparently her doctor prescribed hourly yogurt douches, so she should be back in business in no time.

Thus, I decided I would grab a McRib from our caterer and head back to my trailer for some sandwich love...but, alas, our caterer had already been sent home. So I walked over to Studio C and went inside the first soundstage, which was set up like an ewok village.

I had never seen nor heard of ewoks before, but one thought immediately came to my mind..."Man, it sure would feel good to stick my dick in one of those ewoks."

So I took off all of my clothes and approached the first ewok I could find. Man, those little fockers are fast. You'd think with like 37 ewoks in this tiny enclosed village I could catch one pretty easily, but no. I had to grab a 2x4 and pound one into submission. That approached worked pretty good.

Soon it was just me in the buff and one of those ewoks. I asked it if it had a name and it did not respond, so I said, "Oh, I see. The silent treatment, huh? Well, for the record, I also have a deaf/mute fetish, so your ploy is only making me hotter!"

So, I am just standing there doing my thing when about 30 other ewoks come up and start hitting me with rocks and logs...which made me even hotter and I blew my wad right away, half of which landed in Billy Ray Cyrus' coffee mug.

I couldn't tell if my ewok was a male or a female, but I could certainly tell it was the best lovemaking that creature will ever know.