The other night my grandmother was drunk again - we found her on the floor with her skirt around her ears, panties spinning around on the ceiling fan, and a trail of anal beads leading to the van full of sleeping construction workers in the driveway. Another typical Tuesday night at Chez Hoff.

As I attempted to clean her up and put her to bed she said, "listen you little faggot! I can make my ass sound just like Chewbacca." Then she ripped out a roar like "roooooohhhhhrr" and it sounded exactly like Chewy. Then she said, "I aint finished yet, turd burglar. I can qweef my pussy just like R2D2." She hiked up her skirt, squinted her eyes, held her breath and farted out a squeak just like R2 from that wrinkly old snatch. I couldn't believe my ears.

Then she said, "next, I am going to grunt out a turd that looks just like Dick Cheney." Sure enough, she belted out a 10-incher with that textbook Cheney grimace.

Then she slapped it in my face and said I was a "no good traitor" for not giving the vice presidential turd the proper respect.

She is one talented (and patriotic) lady.

Well, thank Raptor Jesus for that.

glad to see the hoff is back

Yeah...was wondering when you were gonna be sober enough to post Mother Fucker. And what happened last year at the Radon show? No Hoff?

Pussy!

Sorry I couldn't post sooner MacKenzie. They blocked my e-mail and internet accounts in prison. BTW, did you know that sodomy and beastiality are both illegal in the state of Texas?

I found out the hard way. And I do mean "the hard way."

Both are illegal? Damn...I just figured...steers and queers, you know?

i'm glad the hoff finally showed up on the boards again

I had to mspace you in jail for you to get your ass in gear hoff! However we're still missing flingthepoo, but i hear hes traveling.

Search for hoff, I made a plea out to you a few weeks ago. I was getting worried.

o wait here it is: http://www.noidearecords.com/Fest/board/viewtopic.php?p=12888&highlight=#12888

i missed the hoff all year.

How'd you feel about that Knight Rider remake?

Ah-haha, can't wait to hang out with you in person again this year Hoff. Your Fest board presence is really more than I ever imagined and I thank you for that.

Luv ya Jana!!! See you soon.

BTW, you know what we have in common? We both love animals. Ha ha ha!!

The Hoff

Ewww, that just sounded so wrong.

Yep. That's how I roll.