My personal best Fest-Fail was last year. After a long day of drinking and smoking pot and eating shit I had Fest-bowels in a major way. I was in the Venue eagerly awaiting D4 to go on when my stomach started going crazy.

So I got into the epic long line for the men's room, and if anyone remembers the condition of the men's room at the venue last year, fucking nasty ass sewage swamp. The stalls were completely destroyed and didn't even have doors. Unacceptible shitting conditions, so I just peed and decided to handle it.

I went back out to the stage area before I realized that this shit was not going to wait for D4 and I was either going to get my ass evacuated or else splatter-shit my pants in the middle of their set. Not a pretty option, and the clock was ticking down to MPLS's finest taking the stage.

So I run full-tilt back to the lobby and assessing my options, put my head down, avoid eye contact and slip into the closest stall in the ladies room. SO I think I'm home free, can shit in peace, and only suffer one more moment of embarassment as I slip out.

That was until a girl two stalls away said, "Does anyone have any toilet paper? There's none in here." That's when I noticed the lack of TP in my stall as well. Realizing I too would have to ask for toilet paper, I put on what was, sadly, my most lilting falsetto to say, "Um, I'm gonna need toilet paper too."

"Are you a BOY?" came the reply from the stall next to me.

"Um...yes?" I said. And for some reason, I also said this in my bad girl-voice.

Then I collected what was left of my dignity and ran out to see D4 kicking ass.

Another girl I was supposed to meet at Fest took a bunch of lortab and put herself in a coma. It took me most of a day to convince her friends to take her to a hospital, what with the coma and all. They weren't going to take her on the grounds that they "didn't want her to get in trouble with her parents". She was airlifted to Tampa and sat in a coma for 5 days.

I came back to a friend's hotel room to the girl he was staying with naked, unconscious, and covered in vomit on top of the bed. I wrapped her up in the covers and carried her into the bathroom.

Another girl I was supposed to meet at Fest took a bunch of lortab and put herself in a coma. It took me most of a day to convince her friends to take her to a hospital, what with the coma and all. They weren't going to take her on the grounds that they "didn't want her to get in trouble with her parents". She was airlifted to Tampa and sat in a coma for 5 days.