Although Var, Tony and the gang have not utilized a security chief in previous years, apparently this year some of the sponsors (specifically Pepsi, Right Guard Sport and Doritos) have expressed concerns...so after much prodding, I have agreed to become this year's security director.

Here is the drill. If I catch any of you smelly fuckfarts trying to get in without a wrist band or otherwise acting up, you can expect the following:

1) While you are on your knees in a servile position, I will place my balls on your lips. You will give said balls a zerbot while I slap my cock thunderously across your forehead repeatedly until it leaves a red mark in the shape of a chicken.

2) Then, after you are done giving head to one of my turds, you will chug my farts through a beer bong tube.

3) Then, after you are forced to munch my pubes "Ms. Pac Man"-style, you will eat potato salad out of my butt canyon.

4) Then, after you retrieve last week's chewing gum from my taint with your tongue, I will put on a Starr Jones costume and make sweet love to your anus while you are forced to watch re-runs of "Charles in Charge."

5) Then, after I make love to an Arby's Beef & Cheddar sandwich, you will be required to eat said sandwich. And if you are a vegan, I will order double beef.

I am just implementing a security plan to ensure everyone's safety. Please be sure to abide by the standard protocols in order to avoid any enforcement actions. This is all mandated by Var, so it comes from the top.

Your mirrored sunglasses don't scare me, Hasselhoff.

i might just do that to see if you had the balls to do all of the above...

Do it then.

Apparently you are unaware that I was a congressional page in the early 1980's. I still have the stretch marks on my sphincter to prove it. What I described above is a walk in the park compared to what James Traficant and Jesse Helms used to do to me in the bathroom of the capitol building.

You will be eating Baby Ruths from my anus in no time.

Just don't bring that bratty kid of yours with the camera, all going to the media and sh*t, trying to ruin everyone's good time, that sh*t ain't cool.
Send that bytch to bording school already.